Pride?

Ever since my childhood, I find it extremely difficult to give up on things. If there's a challenge where the odds are against me. I'm signed in. It's not that I believe the odds are against me. I just have this inner belief, that no matter what comes my way I will conquer it. 

Is that pride? It may be.

You have to take a lot of losses before you start winning. I truly believe that. So much so that, if things are going good for very long I end up thinking if I am doing things right. I just don't learn from my losses. Ever since my childhood I have been extremely analytical about why others failed too. I inculcate those learnings in my life. 

Now why pride? I have been thinking of it since the last 10 minutes. Is it my pride that doesn't let me give up on things? Is it my ego? Are they both the same? Positive! Negative! 

I probably don't know where to draw the line between pride and confidence. I am generally very confident in life. It comes from my needs being at an all time low currently and I have resources sorted for the next few years. 

As a former weak kid, kids much stronger than me would step back from a challenge against me just because I was so confident about things. It was like a switch, from a light, weak, timid kid to a warrior. Ready to fight for his own justice, and to give a respectable fight to other. I remember this one time, one of the widely claimed "Strong" kid wanted to gauge their strength against a thin and light kid via an arm wrestling match. Since it was a challenge, I don't remember being scared at all. I took the challenge, and lo and behold. My pride kept me fighting, I remember being stuck at one position for like 15 minutes, until the "strong" guy gave up with everyone in the class watching us with pindrop silence. That was such a boost to this pride. Not because I did not give up, not because I "won", not because everyone witnessed. It was just because I did not fear the challenge. That day I learned I was a confident kid. 

As I have smartly retained some resources these past few years, I feel my confidence boosting. Lately, life feels challenging. I have those moments where I have a heavy chest, because I'm trying to process a loss. A lot of heavy chest moments. The only thing I don't have is fear. I don't fear death. I don't fear being a sore loser at the end of my life. I will be forgotten in future, as will be everyone.

Now, why am I talking about pride today? Reading about the 7 sins in life. I feel pride is villainised. We need fearless people, foolish people in this world. Foolish fearless people that change the world. If I don't believe in myself, who will? If I don't feel good about my growth, who else will? Use pride positively. Use it to fuel yourself. Use it to fight the battle within. 

I don't know if I'll ever come back and read this again. But if you do, know that. You're strong Abhimanyu. Nothing motivates you better than the losses you take. There's a purpose to the difficulties you face. LFG!