"Battle within" - as a 28 year old

Started my day, trying to go for a walk. Snoozing my alarms, when one of the many alarms I have set up gets to me and successfully convinces me to wake up. Scrolling through twitter trying to find a purpose. I push myself to go for a walk. 

You start going deep into the surface level thoughts on a walk. Today's walk was a battle between Dharma vs purpose. Is my dharma my purpose? What is my purpose? What should I be focusing on?

I am on a constant drum roll of ideas of things to work on. It is very difficult to just pick one and start working on it. Maybe I am thinking too much. As I age, I wonder if I should have taken these risks earlier. I am aware that there is no point thinking about the past and we can only think about future which creates anxiety. It is best to be in present. The people who preach this ask me when I would get married. It's the duality of human beings, right?

Now I am extremely confused as to what my next step should be. The only thing I currently have with me is the confidence that I am meant to do special things. I despise people who put a degree or someone's past on a pedestal. Harvard graduate? Investment banker? Entrepreneurship brings everyone to level ground. 

If we look at the network, sure it is easier for a graduate from Harvard/Stanford to connect to better talent, better VCs. But can they really immerse themselves in problem solving better than me? I have been solving problems much before the time I can remember of. And I remember solving complicated problems as a 5 year old. Thinking about justice it does to people and finding out the right path.

I have the "We'll definitely figure this out" attitude to most things.

Lately at work, it feels less like I'm solving problems. It feels like I am just answering questions for the big bosses and it does not land me into a territory that helps me learn something new. It just helps the big bosses log in their work hours and show some work they got done by their team. 

I might never work in the Finance org ever again. It is not challenging at all. The only challenge is to build google sheets with some data that is already there somewhere. Working as a middle person with no risks of your own. Risk drives a person to do better. Feeling challenged makes you better.

So yeah, things are tough at work, not because it is challenging. It is turning more kafkaesque than ever.

Life is tough 

Now back to Purpose of life which I might be wrongly equating to my Dharma.

All my rants above had the outcome in mind. To focus on results is a very natural thing to me. I am not able to pick a path without envisioning a goal. To me a goal is an envisioned outcome or result. I don't care if I fall short or exceed the outcome I envisioned. But that is the direction I move towards. My actions are a result of my envisioned goal. 

While I am extremely confused in life, I have my confidence with me. This confidence comes from the sincerity and integrity I have shown throughout my 28 years of short life. I understand we all die one day and all of this will be not for me but for a greater collective purpose. So, as we are social beings, we are also iterative beings or a better word by Mr Darwin" "Evolutionary species".

The evolutionary species are meant to carry their learnings from one generation to another. I do see the newer generations being more learned and aware. I hope this leads to better mental health across. 

I see myself being humble when I face hardships. I wish to go through more hardships, just to be able to be more modest.

Now what should we build. My goal from the first app I ever build is not to make any money (It would be nice) but to learn what the circus I am getting into is like. I make really good money from my job for my geography. All my needs are met. Well, not all. Just materialistic needs are met. While my experimental psyche craves for more challenging and unknown territories.

While I think about all this (obviously a more filtered version) I was able to complete my 3KMs today.

I used to do 8.5KMs a day, but waking up late is costing me a few KMs. I know I will get through everything that is coming my way in life and I should really cherish this moment of confusion because it will not last forever. To the next phase of Glam Tab (Actually working on it).

Remember, the goal is to learn how to launch an app and understand how to monetise it at some point. But priority is to make an application that people love.

Ciao!